Diaries from the Cocoon, 07/22/23
Did you know that the process of a caterpillar’s metamorphosis into a butterfly means its entire body, brain included, are liquified and completely reformed?? I always knew it was some kind of bonkers scientific magic that the little creatures wrapped themselves up to go from one being to another being - but their brains LIQUIFY AND REFORM!!! Even more WTF about it is the fact that they retain some memories. . . AFTER THEIR BRAIN’S BEEN LIQUIFIED AND REFORMED!!!
This cocooned brain-liquifying process has inspired my current effort to go inward for my 39th revolution around the sun. If a creature on this earth is capable of such magically scientific change, then why can’t I replicate it myself?
Having a neuro-divergent brain (diagnosed with bipolar disorder) has been a curse since I was a teenager. Prone to mood swings, violent and angry reactions, long periods of debilitating depression, and deep a feeling of “Why can’t I just be NORMAL?”, my life has been shaped in ways I felt I couldn’t control.
Now, I want to take control back. I want to love my brain and all the non-normal bits of myself that have made me feel “less than”. I want to treat it with light and love rather than disdain and chaos. I want to feel fully embraced by myself, mind, body, and spirit.
My 39th year on this planet will be spent feeding my soul a healthy diet of good nutrition, exercise, intellectual stimulation, nature-appreciation, and self-love. I’ll be changing my unhealthy eating habits into ones that truly fuel my body with the good stuff. I’ll be moving my body every day in sustainable ways so this is a change that sticks, not just a temporary gym membership I give up when it’s “too much”. I’ll be reading 40 books ranging from topics like happiness, to better business, to finding my true purpose. I’ll be taking 40 courses to learn the art of being a life coach so I can share my gift with the world, spreading joy and purpose in order to multiply the number of people living in their purpose. I’ll be visiting 40 state parks to absorb the beauty and peace that only nature can provide. I’ll be practicing the self-care of caring about my body, how I look & feel, and some “treat yo self” moments to lift up my spirit. And finally, I’ll be completing 40 projects throughout my house to make it a home I feel safe, celebrated, and rested in - my sanctuary.
I’ve gotten a lot of feedback when I’ve declared these intentions. From friends gifting me tools to help on this adventure to concerned “Don’t push yourself too hard” from people who care about my well-being. Well, my friends, have no worries because this is not something I am pushing myself through. This effort is meant to be fulfilling, enlightening, and celebratory.
Last year was a difficult journey of selling the house I bought all by myself in 2017, buying a new house with my husband, living with his dad and step-mom for 6 months while that house was built, being frustrated and annoyed by nearly every bit of that buying process, and finally moving into the new house (which came with built-in resentments from the process). In the time of transition, living with my in-laws, my psychiatrist of the last few years went on maternity leave - something I was not prepared for. I had been going only every 6 months to review my medications because it had been going well. Being in the state I was in, I just said “fuck it” and stopped taking my 3 medications. I need to say for anyone reading this, that is NOT ADVISABLE. Please do as I say, not as I do, and only explore removing medications with your professional psychiatrist. That warning aside, I’ve now been without bipolar medication for 13 months.
I have been surviving, working on my whole body health, setting boundaries to protect myself, moving my body more, communicating with my husband when the turbulence of my brain gets to be too much, and trying to embrace joy. This 39th year is meant to take me from surviving to thriving. I want to enjoy our new house, rather than see my resentment in every corner. I want to enjoy my brain again and all its beautiful complexities. I want to enjoy my body again, having gained 60 pounds in that house selling-buying experience. I want to enjoy the world again, embracing more nature and less news. I want to enjoy living in my purpose, not just working 9-5 to keep the bills paid. I want to enjoy humans again, after quarantined isolation then stress isolation. I want to enjoy life.
I’ve always written as a form of therapeutic release. In the days of myspace I didn’t care who read my blogs, they were something I needed to do for myself. (Yes, they were mostly terribly destructive, but I mean, who wasn’t in their 20’s?) I want to share my healing process because writing is PART of my healing process. If this happens to find someone going through a similar brain-melting transformation and it helps them understand they’re not alone, well that would be EPIC. But, ultimately, this is for me. (#sorrynotsorry for being selfish)
I plan to post weekly with things I’ve learned, things I’ve unlearned, things I’ve embraced, things I’ve let go of, things that make me happy, things I’m no longer allowing to bring me down, and all the misadventures along the way.
I’m nearly one month into this year-long effort and so far I’ve completed one home project, read 5 books, completed 6 courses, lost 4 pounds, and am hopeful to visit my first state park tomorrow. I’m so excited for what this year of brain-liquification will bring.
Til next time!
Cheers to creating,
Jessie